readings from the road

leo-cullum-cat-stares-at-a-jesus-fish-bumper-sticker-new-yorker-cartoonI dug through the journal in the truck last night and culled these highway witticisms for you. I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did.

  • Vegetarian – Ancient word for lousy hunter.
  • I don’t eat anything with a face.
  • Trees don’t grow on money either.
  • Maybe if we ignore it the enviroment will just go away.
  • When the rapture comes – Can I have your car?
  • Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
  • Take a bite out of crime. It tastes just like chicken.
  • I brake for Tailgeters.
  • Work for world peace – or we’ll bomb you.
  • Ex-wives make good speed bumps.
  • (On a motorhome) Don’t tailgate – or I’ll flush.
  • Stable relationships are for horses.
  • Don’t be sexist – broads hate that.
  • Money isn’t everything. But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • “Filthy Stinking Rich” – Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
  • Real men don’t waste their hormones growing hair.
  • I speak fluent patriarchy, but its not my mother tongue.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
  • Husband and cat lost – reward for cat.
  • Be nice to your children – they’ll pick your nursing.
  • Husbands should come with instructions.
  • I want it all – and I want it delivered.
  • Life is hard – and then you nap.
  • Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  • I’m not suddenly a dirty old man. I’ve been practicing since 1948.
  • Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.
  • Learn from you parents’ mistakes – Use Birth Control.
  • I was once a millionaire, but my Mom gave away my baseball cards.
  • If God had meant for me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
  • If you can read this, thank a teecher.
  • Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
  • My designated driver drove me to drink.
  • If you remember the ’60’s, you weren’t really there.
  • Procrastinate now!
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • My dog can lick anyone.
  • I have a degree in English – Do you want fries with that?
  • I don’t suffer from insanity – I’m a carrier.
  • Finally 21, and legally able to do everythig I’ve been doing since I was 15.
  • I got this pickup truck for my wife. Good trade, eh?
  • If we quit voting, will they all go away?
  • He who dies with the most toys – still dies.
  • Eat right, exercise – and die anyway.
  • Illiterate? Write for help.
  • Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
  • I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
  • Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
  • Gone crazy. Be back soon.
  • I do whatever my Rice Crispies tell me to.
  • To some it’s a six-pack. To me it’s a support group.
  • I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
  • In God We Trust – all others pay cash.
  • I used to be indecisive, but maybe not.
  • A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • GENE POLICE: YOU!! Out of the pool!
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
  • My reality check bounced.
  • Rap is to music as Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
  • Eergizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
  • Nuke the unorn gay female whales on drugs.
  • Honk if you ARE Jesus.
  • How would you driving be with that phone stuck up your . . .?
  • Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  • Turn signal broke. . .watch for finger.
  • Mean people suck. Nice people lick.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
  • Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
  • Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
  • As long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in public schools.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Give me ambiguity – or something else.
  • Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW!
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.
  • I took an IQ test – and the results were negative.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but we eat better.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • OK. Who stopped payment on my reality check.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere might be happy.
  • Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its student.

Happy trails!

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1 comment to readings from the road

  • Gary

    So many and so true. I never new you studied confunsion. No…confession. No, that’s not it either. You know the guy I’m talking about. He writes for that fortune cookie company.

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