readings from the road

leo-cullum-cat-stares-at-a-jesus-fish-bumper-sticker-new-yorker-cartoonI dug through the journal in the truck last night and culled these highway witticisms for you. I hope you enjoyed these as much as I did.

  • Vegetarian – Ancient word for lousy hunter.
  • I don’t eat anything with a face.
  • Trees don’t grow on money either.
  • Maybe if we ignore it the enviroment will just go away.
  • When the rapture comes – Can I have your car?
  • Good cowgirls keep their calves together.
  • Take a bite out of crime. It tastes just like chicken.
  • I brake for Tailgeters.
  • Work for world peace – or we’ll bomb you.
  • Ex-wives make good speed bumps.
  • (On a motorhome) Don’t tailgate – or I’ll flush.
  • Stable relationships are for horses.
  • Don’t be sexist – broads hate that.
  • Money isn’t everything. But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • “Filthy Stinking Rich” – Well, two out of three ain’t bad.
  • Real men don’t waste their hormones growing hair.
  • I speak fluent patriarchy, but its not my mother tongue.
  • I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead.
  • Husband and cat lost – reward for cat.
  • Be nice to your children – they’ll pick your nursing.
  • Husbands should come with instructions.
  • I want it all – and I want it delivered.
  • Life is hard – and then you nap.
  • Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam.
  • Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
  • I’m not suddenly a dirty old man. I’ve been practicing since 1948.
  • Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law on a milk carton.
  • Learn from you parents’ mistakes – Use Birth Control.
  • I was once a millionaire, but my Mom gave away my baseball cards.
  • If God had meant for me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.
  • If you can read this, thank a teecher.
  • Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
  • My designated driver drove me to drink.
  • If you remember the ’60’s, you weren’t really there.
  • Procrastinate now!
  • Rehab is for quitters.
  • My dog can lick anyone.
  • I have a degree in English – Do you want fries with that?
  • I don’t suffer from insanity – I’m a carrier.
  • Finally 21, and legally able to do everythig I’ve been doing since I was 15.
  • I got this pickup truck for my wife. Good trade, eh?
  • If we quit voting, will they all go away?
  • He who dies with the most toys – still dies.
  • Eat right, exercise – and die anyway.
  • Illiterate? Write for help.
  • Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
  • I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
  • Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
  • Gone crazy. Be back soon.
  • I do whatever my Rice Crispies tell me to.
  • To some it’s a six-pack. To me it’s a support group.
  • I have PMS and a gun. Did you have something to say?
  • In God We Trust – all others pay cash.
  • I used to be indecisive, but maybe not.
  • A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • GENE POLICE: YOU!! Out of the pool!
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
  • My reality check bounced.
  • Rap is to music as Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
  • Eergizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
  • Nuke the unorn gay female whales on drugs.
  • Honk if you ARE Jesus.
  • How would you driving be with that phone stuck up your . . .?
  • Don’t steal. The government hates competition.
  • Turn signal broke. . .watch for finger.
  • Mean people suck. Nice people lick.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
  • Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
  • Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
  • As long as there are tests, there will always be prayer in public schools.
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • Give me ambiguity – or something else.
  • Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW!
  • I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
  • I killed a six-pack just to watch it die.
  • I took an IQ test – and the results were negative.
  • I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather – not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.
  • IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
  • It’s lonely at the top, but we eat better.
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • OK. Who stopped payment on my reality check.
  • Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere might be happy.
  • Some people are only alive because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its student.

Happy trails!


1 comment to readings from the road

  • Gary

    So many and so true. I never new you studied confunsion. No…confession. No, that’s not it either. You know the guy I’m talking about. He writes for that fortune cookie company.

Leave a Reply




You can use these HTML tags

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>


A sample text widget

Etiam pulvinar consectetur dolor sed malesuada. Ut convallis euismod dolor nec pretium. Nunc ut tristique massa.

Nam sodales mi vitae dolor ullamcorper et vulputate enim accumsan. Morbi orci magna, tincidunt vitae molestie nec, molestie at mi. Nulla nulla lorem, suscipit in posuere in, interdum non magna.