chitlinectomy and other things

Courtesy of B. Z. Toons

Courtesy of B. Z. Toons

It’s been quiet up at Headquarters of the World Problem Solution Society and Coffee Klatch at its undisclosed location in Texas. That’s because everyone is down here helping Ain’t Leo with her recovery process. It’s great to have friends that you can count on, but I’d rather not have all of them camping in my backyard.

Ain’t Leo went to the hospital a couple of weeks ago for some major tune up work. After thirty years of pain and problems, we finally found some docs who knew what they were doing. Seems that the old school method of treating diverticulitis is to load you up with antibiotics and tell you to “live with it.” We finally saw what thirty years of living with it can do to your intestines.

I got her to the hospital at 0600 and we already had a crowd in the waiting room. Ron, Walter, Lurlene Sue and Trooper Shiny were all present and accounted for. After getting her suited up for the cutter and the IV started, the nurse said that we could have some visitors come back while we waited on the gas passer. Naturally, Walter was the first one through the door.

You’ve got to understand that Walter has been my best friend since I was six years old. He’s a kind and caring guy, but he lacks a little in social skills. The first thing he asked Ain’t Leo was, “What they carvin’ on, Hon?”

Ain’t Leo gave him the short version of diverticulitis and the scar tissue, inflammation and perforations. She told him that they were going to remove 17 inches of her large intestine to get rid of the diseased part and that she should then be able to live a relatively pain-free life afterwards.

He patted Ain”t Leo’s hand and told her, “I allow as you are the first person I’ve ever knowed as had a chiltlinectomy. And 17 inches is enough to feed the whole family. You ain’t gonna have to wear one of them Zip-Locs are you?”

I knew the goofy juice was starting to work because her blood pressure was going down and because she never batted an eye at Walter’s questions. She usually looks to me for translation of some of the Walterisms.

We ran into a few problems at the hospital. Ain’t Leo had some breathing problems in recovery and the staff couldn’t get me on the cell phone. I’ve been having a problem with my carrier. Seventy five percent of my incoming calls go to another number. I know the poor guy is sick of getting my calls, but it became a real problem when the doctors couldn’t locate me in the waiting room. So now we have a new carrier, new cell phones, and new phone numbers.

The day before she was to be released, she developed congestive heart failure and pneumonia. That added another week to her stay. When they finally let her go home, I asked the docs if they could give her a take out bag of morphine. I had the feeling she was going to need it. Not so much for the pain, but for coping with what I knew was to come.

I pulled into the driveway and found the street lined with cars, including a shiny black and white DPS cruiser. Not exactly the quiet homecoming I’d anticipated.

The patio and backyard was already alive with activity. Mesquite smoke hung like a fog and the smell of Walter’s cowboy coffee permeated everything. I quietly slipped Ain’t Leo into the guest room, got her settled and gave her a pain pill. I went to the kitchen for a brew. I was nearly killed by an avalanche of food that the “Society” had brought over.

When I opened the back door, Ain’t Leo’s new dog, Chaz, came flying past. He had a pair of shiny DPS issue mirrored shades hanging below his tail and a John Deere baseball cap perched backwards on his back. At this point I have to tell you that Chaz is a wirehaired something or other. Gary ¬†says he looks like a wolf hound, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I’m saying this to tell you that the wire hair on his hind end forms a buttstache. And that resulted in the poor thing getting dressed up by Trooper Shiny.

“Hey, Yak!” Shiny said. “Did you see Walter running backwards through the house? From this direction, Chaz looks just like Walter! And all this time I thought a horse would be the perfect model.”

I slid down the wall and popped the cap on my  brew. It was going to be a loooooong few weeks.

Everyone is back at HQ and it’s settling down here at the homestead. The healing process continues and we are both looking forward to getting out on the road again

Happy trails to all of you.






1 comment to chitlinectomy and other things

  • Maryjo

    Hey Harry, I hope Ain’t Leo is doing well and recovering quickly! Give her a BIG Hug for me!
    I loved this. You are “one of a kind”! I used to write stories but they were not half as entertaining as you are! I love reading about Walter and friends! Take care of Ain’t Leo and yourself!

    Love you guys!

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