circle flies and other lies

CampfireSorry it’s been so long since my last post, but I’ve been hanging with Walter (not his real name) at Headquarters of the World Problem Solution Society and Coffee Klatch at its undisclosed location in Texas.

Three days into our stay, Walter and I made a beverage run to the county line because we are in a dry county. And I don’t mean drought dry. As our luck would have it we have a newly minted State Trooper at our local barracks and he has been the bane of Walter’s existence.

Anyway, we were tearing along the FM road in Walter’s raggedy old slant-six Dodge pickup truck while merrily planning the day’s projects which included rebuilding the fire pit, cowboy coffee, welding a new grill, beer, making some paracord bracelets, and more beer.

Now Walter has a bit of a problem keeping up with minor things like speed limit signs when he’s talking and barreling along the highway, so it was no surprise to see the flashing light bar on the DPS black and white piloted by our shiny new trooper.

With a deep sigh of inconvenience, Walter coasted onto the that beautiful, wide shoulder that the Great Nation of Texas puts there just for such occasions. I looked over my shoulder and noted the bad attitude radiating from the mirrored sunglasses, squared away Stetson and ramrod stance. My only thought was – “Uh oh!!”

Trooper Shiny stomped up to Walter’s window and, with one hand on the butt of his newly issued sidearm, rapped on the glass hard enough to rock the old truck on its weary springs.

Walter glanced at me and cranked down the window.

In his gruffest and newly authoritarian voice, Trooper Shiny demanded, “Driver’s license and proof of insurance.”

I reached into the glove box and was surprised to find a big Colt Python holding down a photocopy of Walter’s driver’s license and insurance card neatly paper clipped together. I passed them to Walter – minus the Colt.

“Here ya go, Sonny,” Walter said. “I took me the liberty of making you one of them Zee Rocks ‘cause you to seem to have such a short memory. Ya might just wanna hang onto them.”

“You being a smart ass, old man?” he asked.

“Not me, your worship,” Walter replied. “I’ve got far too much respect for the law to do that.”

Trooper Shiny pulled himself up to his full 5’7” of righteous indignation and glared at us from beneath the spacious shade of his newly blocked Stetson. At least I assumed he glared. I would have glared. But is was hard to tell with the mirrored sunglasses. I couldn’t help but think that he looked like a horsefly with attitude.

“Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Walter shook his head with weary patience and said, “Naw, Sonny, I don’t – but if memory serves I bet you gonna tell me.”

The Trooper swatted at a couple of flies buzzing around the brim of that fancy Stetson and started writing Walter’s ticket. While he was writing, he kept brushing away those pesky flies.

“Looks like them circle flies is really getting’ on your nerves,” Walter observed.

“If that’s what they’re called, they sure are.”

Walter nodded his head and said, “Yep. Them are circle flies, but you usually see ‘em circling around the back end of horses.”

Shiny stopped writing. Swatting away the flies, he leaned down to the window and in his most menacing voice asked, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

Walter threw his hands up in horror and quickly said, “Naw, Trooper. I’d never say that. I’ve got far too much respect for the law to say something like that.

After a short pause, Walter looked at him and said, “But you can’t fool them flies.”


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